Subtitles ripped by Worst
It's a primary principal of human resource management.
- What is? - I.I.I.I.I.
Pardon?
Individualised Incentives Inculcate Inherent Instability.
I.I.I.I.I
You've lost me, Gordon.
What I'm saying, Jack, is this employee of the month
competition is not conducive to good team building.
Pitting one member of staff against another introduces
unhealthy competition to an otherwise happy team and why?
A weekend in Paris!
You're missing the point, Jack.
The point is, I'm coming in tomorrow to present the prize,
so it's make your mind up time.
Anyway, the competition seems to have been a big success.
Everyone has been spurred on to greater efforts.
I know you didn't ask but I thought I'd bring you some tea.
Must be thirsty work making decisions!
That's very kind, Julie.
I know. And I typed out the contract for the party package.
- Right... - That was Gavin's idea?
Not really. He may have thought of it, but I'm the one who
developed it to its present operational status.
Yes, but it's my niece.
I've added quite a few touches myself,
because I'm a hands-on secretary.
Right, thank you, Julie.
Do you mind? I'm trying to be nice to the councillor!
You see, as a mother myself,
I think I know what a kiddy wants from a birthday treat
and I think you'll find...
Er, Julie, I'm the one who's judging the competition.
Oh, forget it then!
Welcome to Whitbury Leisure Centre, how may I help you?
Carole, are you...
CAROLE SPEAKS IN FRENCH
Why are you speaking French, Carole?
Français? Oh, mais alors! There I go again!
I've been learning French for 3 weeks.
I'm practically bilingual.
I just keep slipping in and out of it...
Comme ci, comme ça... Oh, there I go again!
You're another one trying to win this weekend in Paris.
CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
No, I'm trying to improve myself, I have ambitions,
I have European aspirations
and I'm doing lingua phonics by night.
You what?
I listen to tapes while I sleep.
Not that I get much sleep with the family DuPont
chattering away all the time, but when I wake up
in the morning I have a completely new vocabulaire.
I see, which could be quite handy on a weekend in Paris.
That's what I thought.
Well Carole, you might be learning in your sleep,
but did you know you can also learn from your sleep?
- I'm sorry, Mrs Brittas? - Dreams
What can we all learn from our dreams that we don't know?
I don't know, Mrs Brittas.
I'm holding a dream workshop tomorrow lunchtime,
do you think you can come?
I doubt it. During my lunch hour I like to catch forty winks
with Monsieur and Madame DuPont.
You see Jack, when there are winners there have to be losers
and that don't build a good team.
One person wins, flies off and I'm left with a team of losers.
- Yes... - It's a difficult decision.
That's what management is about Gordon, 4 o'clock tomorrow.
I'm sorry I'm late, there was a major blockage this morning.
Don't wanna know, Colin.
There was tons of it, Mr Brittas, a huge pile!
Colin, I'm trying to eat a biscuit.
And I just had to sit there and wait, it's so frustrating!
Colin!
I'll be glad when they finish that work near the bypass.
There was a three mile tailback
when that earth mover dumped its load.
Right, I'm with you now Colin, what do you want?
The children's party, Mr Brittas.
The birthday party package?
That's it! Well, I know that I'm down as Uncle Colin
in charge of cloakroom facilities.
Yes?
But I wonder if I might also volunteer myself
as Uncle Colin, better known as... Mister Magic!
Sorry?
Mr Magic, Mr Brittas.
I can do a few tricks I think the kiddies might like
and I've also been working on my wardrobe.
Well it doesn't show, you always wear that dreadful cardigan!
No, not my wardrobe, Mr Brittas, my wardrobe.
My actual wardrobe. I've made it into a magic cabinet!
I could do fifteen minutes before the birthday party tea?
Aah, right...
Well, we do have a window at 3.03 after the trampolining...
Alright Mr Magic, you're on!
Thank you Mr Brittas, I won't let you down!
Goodbye, Carole.
Au revoir, Monsieur DuPont.
Pardon?
Oh, I'm so sorry Councillor Druggitt,
I've been up all night with the DuPont family on the beach.
GAVIN: Councillor Druggitt, could I have a word?
It's this birthday party package thing, involving different
leisure centre activities. It was all my idea.
And a very good idea it is, too.
Yes, actually I've got quite a lot of good ideas.
Yes... look, a word to the wise.
The council will soon assess funding for next year,
there's a very strong lobby in favour of privatisation,
I think they might look favourably
on a management buyout submission,
- junior management, of course. - You mean...
It would need to be someone with a good idea.
You think I should apply?
I think you know what I mean.
Right...
That's where you got to, Harry. Come here you little devil!
Now don't go running off again!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Don't do that Harry, it tickles!
Hello boys and girls! I'm Uncle Colin, Mr Magic!
Hello, Colin... are you going to an interview?
No, no, I'm rehearsing, Mrs Brittas.
- You what? - I'm building up my spot!
Well, you don't need to, it looks like it's about to burst.
No, no... my routine, my magic act.
I'm doing a few tricks for the children's party tomorrow.
Oh, I see! That's nice!
What's this then, Mrs Brittas? 'Dreams Workshop'.
Oh, I hope you can come.
Tomorrow could be difficult.
It could change your life. I've been reading this book by Freud,
'The Interpretation of Dreams', oh, it's brilliant!
We can all learn so much from our dreams.
Our subconscious needs and desires,
our innermost secrets and fears...
Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!
Have I touched a nerve?
No, Mrs Brittas, you haven't, it's Harry!
He's on the move again, the little devil...
Gotcha! Just in time.
You were saying, Mrs Brittas?
Dreams are the door to our inner selves.
- In my case it was a grid. - I'm sorry?
That's what I used to dream about when I was a child.
Night after night I'd dream about this grid in the road,
and I used to think if only I could get down there,
I'd find somewhere nice and safe and warm, a sort of den,
where me and my imaginary friends could meet and play.
And, you know, the funny thing was,
there was actually a grid outside my house,
you could see it from my bedroom window.
What does it mean, Mrs Brittas?
It means you're a very sad man, Colin.
It was a sewer you see.
Yes, yes, I know.
I think that's what sparked my interest in things subterranean.
Harry! Harry! Get away from there!
They're born tunnelers, you know, Mrs Brittas.
You were saying?
Have you got any other recurring dreams? I could interpret them.
COLIN: Yeah, when I was about fourteen, I used to
dream about volleyball, women playing volleyball!
but I know what that means!
Auntie Linda is doing the apparatus and trampolining,
Auntie Carole is doing blind man's buff and pass the parcel,
so you can't be Auntie Julie, I don't need another auntie!
But she's my niece! I am her real auntie!
No you're not! Not according to my roster you're not.
Very well, Mr Brittas.
There doesn't seem to be much interest in my dreams workshop.
Don't worry, darling, I'll deal with it at the staff meeting,
I'll inspire them by telling them about my dream,
a dream where leisure pursuits bring peace and harmony.
No, not that sort of dream, not your vision thing,
no, the sort of dreams you have at night, you know?
Oh, them! I have some very interesting ones,
mostly to do with filing procedures.
Mmm... you'll come won't you, Julie?
I'm not sure I can. My sister's bringing Melanie in early
so she can have lunch with her Auntie Julie.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Unfortunately, I'll have to tell her we're no longer related.
Harry! Harry!
Have you lost that hamster again?
Yes. CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
I thought he might have gone into the toilet but no.
Hamsters don't use toilets, do they?
- Of course not Tim! - Well, I think it's disgusting.
Ah no, Linda, be fair, not for a hamster.
He couldn't lift the seat, pull the chain or anything!
No! I mean it's disgusting making animals perform.
They don't perform Linda, I do!
CROAKING SOUND
What was that?
That was Freddy the frog.
You mean you've got a frog in there as well?
Oh yes, yes. Freddy's standing in for Harry,
it slightly changes the act, but I think it'll work.
It shouldn't be allowed. Frogs have rights too, you know.
After you, Mr Brittas.
Alright everyone, settle down please, settle down. Hokeydokey!
'Dreams Workshop' tomorrow lunchtime.
Now it's purely voluntary, but everyone must attend,
and I want you all to have a good dream tonight
and bring it in with you tomorrow morning.
Right, any questions, please?
- What if I don't have a dream? - Just make sure you do, Tim.
What if I don't want to give up my lunch hour?
What if I just don't turn up?
Then you just don't go to Paris!
I'm not bothered about winning the competition.
It's Gavin that's keen, isn't it?
Right, this employee of the month competition,
now as you all know I have my reservations about this,
where there are winners, there have to be losers,
so I wanna make sure that all those who lose, win.
What have you got in your pocket, Colin?
Two canaries, a pint of milk and a crystal ball, Mr Brittas.
So for the runners up, the lucky losers, a special prize,
a weekend of bonding, barrier breaking and team building
where I tell you everything I know about the leisure industry.
You must be joking!
Magnificent, Mr Brittas! May I be a lucky loser?
I didn't want to be employee of the month, anyway.
Don't worry Colin, you were never in with a chance.
Thank Goodness for that!
- Harry! Harry! - What is it?
I'm sorry, I thought I saw a hamster between your legs.
Colin, have you taken leave of your senses? Sit down!
SQUELCHING SOUND
Colin!
I'm sorry Mr Brittas, I've sat on a frog!
I've never heard it called that before!
No, I really have sat on a frog.
Linda, show me this enhanced exercise program of yours.
Well, I've increased the output ratio on this machine by 150% .
This means Mr Thompson gets twice as fit in half the time.
Excellent, Linda!
So, will it help me to win the weekend in Paris?
Linda, there's a much better prize to be won.
Yes... Mr Brittas,
are you going to allow Colin to exploit those poor animals?
That business with the frog was the absolute end!
Well, I suppose it was for the frog.
Linda, can you feel this floor shaking?
I'd switch that machine off if I were you.
I think you've got residual reverberation, RR.
RUMBLING AND CRACKING
[whispers] Helen?
- Helen? - Mmm?
- Are you asleep? - Mmm.
I was just wondering what sort of dream I should have.
I'm just gonna have my dream now
and I wanted to clear it with you first.
What are you talking about, Gordon?
Your dreams workshop. What sort of dream are you looking for?
Oh, just go to sleep!
Alright ...
I could have the one about filing again?
If that's any use to you?
Gordon, if you dream, you dream.
It's all subconscious. You can't plan your dreams.
I can!
Just dream your dream and then write it down in the morning.
Alright, my darling, goodnight!
Night, Gordon.
- Helen? - What?
When you interpret these dreams, I was wondering,
is there any topic I should avoid?
Gordon...
I don't want a dream that's gonna make me look ridiculous,
like the one when I was a haddock.
Please, go to sleep, Gordon.
Will do.
SCRATCHING NOISE
What are you doing?
BRITTAS: Sharpening my pencil ready for the morning.
Right.
Fortunately, my darling, you are married to man
who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.
Yes.
To be on the safe side,
I think I'll stick to the dream about filing procedures.
I couldn't risk being a haddock again.
Where are the admission figures for the swimming pool kept?
- How do you expect me to know? - Well, you're secretary...
It's Brittas' filing system, I've not tried to fathom it.
Our Melanie's really looking forward to the party.
- My party. - No, her party.
Well, it's her party in that sense, but it's my concept.
I mean, the birthday party package is all down to me.
Other people are taking all the credit,
but if it wasn't for me, Melanie wouldn't be here.
Ooh, that'll be news to my brother-in-law!
COLIN: Right, checklist.
Flags of all nations!
Four pounds of sausages, Terry the Terrapin,
billiard balls, and the lobster,
Then, it's over to you, Monty! At the given signal,
you will appear out of the hat, as we rehearsed it.
Where did I put Scotty the Scorpion?
Mr Brittas says you should be at the dreams workshop... murderer!
Linda, no-one was more upset than I was when Freddy died...
... apart from Freddy maybe.
I think what you're doing is disgusting!
Not at all! Aah!
What's the matter?
Sorry, I have a lobster in my trousers.
You have a what?
From now on, to avoid accidents,
I'm only working with animals with shells,
scorpions, lobsters, terrapins.
- What about the rabbit? - Monty is not the rabbit!
He is a colleague, a personal friend.
Monty and I have known each other ever since he was...
... a little rabbit, a bunny rabbit
Our destiny's are linked!
Friend ... go free.
LOUD CRASH
So Tim, what happened next in your dream?
I'm running along a beach and everything's in slow motion.
That's Chariots of Fire, Tim.
No... no, it wasn't like that at all.
I think you'll find it was Tim, I've seen it six times.
Carry on my darling, really interesting.
Tim, it seems to me that you're pursuing something ...
... a goal maybe, that's retreating.
Music is by Vangelis.
SINGS 'Chariots of Fire'
- Gordon! - Sorry, my angel.
I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas.
I'm sorry I'm late, Mrs Brittas.
Were you late too, Mr Brittas?
- Sit down, Colin! - I'll stand if I may?
I have a lobster in my trousers!
Why?
I can't reveal that, Julie, secrets of the Magic Circle.
Does anyone else have a dream they'd like to share? Carole?
Well, I was in Paris walking up the Champs Elysee
with the family DuPont,
so, I don't know if it was a dream or lesson thirty two.
Well, tell us what you saw.
I saw the Eiffel Tower and it grew bigger...
and bigger ... and bigger!
Nah, can't think what that means.
Gordon, any fool knows what that means.
Can I tell you about my dream?
- Fire away, Colin. - Gordon, please!
- [whispers] Sorry... - Yes, Colin?
I was just outside Hartlepool
and I discovered an Anglo-Saxon settlement,
in amongst the pottery and trinkets
was my best find, an Anglo-Saxon stool, completely intact.
Good, good... well, describe it.
How many legs did it have? And what was it made of?
It didn't have any legs, Mrs Brittas,
it wasn't that kind of stool.
It was just made of, well, the usual stuff.
- Okay, who wants a hat? - ALL: Me, me, me!
There you go, alright, alright.
I'm afraid the contract clearly states
that the birthday party package is for eight children
and you've brought ten!
Oh, yes I know, but Samantha wouldn't come without her sister
and then the little girl from over the road turned up and ...
Well they can't join in any of the activities.
You can't do that! It's a children's party!
Well, it's my niece's party!
Alright Julie, as a concession I'm prepared to exclude
two children on a rota basis.
CHILDREN LAUGH
Oh, I'm sorry, you're not allowed to watch this.
I wonder where the banana went?
You ate it!
ALL: Yeah, you ate it!
No... I didn't, I didn't, look!
No banana there.
You just swallowed it!
ALL: Yeah, you swallowed it!
No, no, it's magic!
Now, for my next trick, I need a volunteer... not you!
You're not allowed to look at this!
My magic cabinet is here!
It can make you disappear!
Who would like to give it a whirl?
How's about the birthday girl?
Come along then, Melanie.
Go through the doors at the back,
there's a secret compartment, stay in there.
Now, boys and girls, what's the magic word?
Please!
No, not that magic word.
COLIN: Please is a magic word, but in actual fact,
the magic word we're looking for is 'abracadabra'.
COLIN: So, after three, we'll all shout abracadabra.
COLIN: One... two... three!
ALL: Abracadabra!
I wonder where the birthday girl's gone? Not a word, you!
COLIN: I'll see if we can bring her back again...
Let's try abracadabra again!
[aside] Okay, Melanie, you can come out now.
One... two... three!
ALL: Abracadabra!
Ta dum!
Maybe we didn't shout it loud enough. Let's try it again!
[quietly] Come on out Melanie, there's a good girl.
COLIN: One... two... three!
ALL: Abracadabra!
Abracadabra! Abracadabra! Abracadabra! Abracadabra!
Shut up!!
Can't you see she's dissapeared!
Well, where is she then?
I'm not exactly sure, Mr Fazakerley.
She was enjoying the party very much...
... up until she disappeared.
Do you think maybe I've actually got magic powers?
Don't be stupid!
Don't adopt that tone with Uncle Colin.
You're not exactly in a position to criticise, are you?
Even if a child has been mislaid,
you're still one over the odds!
Mind you, it's good news for Samantha's sister.
Gavin, put her down for birthday cake.
Sod this, we've gotta find her!
Gavin, you take the squash courts and the dance studio...
Julie, Julie, Julie!
Cath, Rog, you come with me. It'll be alright, I promise.
Haven't you forgotten something? Procedure 4 7b.
Lost property. Strategy for location recovery thereof...
Exactly, Colin! She's going about it in all the wrong way.
Let's start at the very beginning.
That's a very good place to start!
I hope they still like the cake. I spent a lot...
Will you shut up about the cake!
The birthday party package wasn't all my idea you know.
- Yes, it was! - No, not entirely!
Yes, it was! You said it was a good idea.
It is a good idea in principle.
But my idea was to have the birthday party first and then...
- Lose the guest of honour. - No... no!
Wait a minute, Colin.
Oh, no! Monty's disappeared as well!
Colin!
Pass me a rope please, Colin.
Shall I let you down, Mr Brittas?
I think you already have, Colin.
Have you got any other children?
'Cause I always think that helps.
I know when I lose one of mine I always think,
''Oh well, not to worry, I've got three more at home''.
I'm going to thump you in a minute!
This is very strange!
It certainly is.
It reminds me of a dream I used to have as a child.
I used to go down this grille
and there was this underground world.
Yeah, it is like a dream... a bad one!
Maybe that's what is actually is, Mr Brittas!
Maybe one of us is dreaming?
Sorry?
But is it you, or is it me?
What?
Can you see any women volleyball players?
Of course I can't!
Then it's your dream! Can I say, it's an honour to be in it!
Shut up, Colin!
RUMBLING NOISE
Colin, there's a hamster by your foot.
Thank you, Mr Brittas, you're dreaming about Harry for me.
No, I'm not, there's a hamster by your foot, pick it up.
- Mr Brittas, you don't think... - No!
They're born tunnellers, you know.
It's a bit ambitious Colin, even for Harry.
Mr Brittas, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yes Colin, there usually is.
Afternoon, Carole.
MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY
What's going on?
Apparently we've lost a child.
CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
Business as usual then.
Aha! I wonder what's in here.
It'll be a den.
Are you the surveyors?
We're miles off course, you know.
WORKER: I said to Tommy this is never the way to Bristol.
I blame the site foreman. He said to Mick,
''Just follow your nose''. Have you seen Mick's nose?
What are you doing here?
We're building the Bristol spur to the Channel Tunnel.
Are you responsible for the hole in my Leisure Centre?
Very probably. It's a ventilation shaft,
but we should have turned left at the bypass.
It's Monty, isn't it?
No, it's Donal. Monty's down the tunnel working on the rail line,
now that the Eurostar has gone through.
No, no, no, this is Monty, my rabbit.
Colin, never mind your rabbit!
Have you seen a little girl down here?
No sir, it's an entirely male workforce.
No, I mean a little girl, seven, eight years old.
Eight today actually, Mr Brittas.
Good heavens, no!
They'd never employ an eight year old girl...
she wouldn't be able to lift a shovel!
Come on, Colin, we're getting nowhere.
Yes we are, we're getting to Bristol!
It's just that we're taking the scenic route.
Just go away! Go and counsel someone else!
But this is a big chance for me!
I've read a whole chapter on bereavement.
I'm gonna thump you as well in a minute!
Calm down, you've had a bad enough day as it is,
you don't want a broken arm to go with it!
All I'm saying is, would you put in a good word
about the cake, that's all.
TELEPHONE RINGS
Hello? Sorry?
Are you drunk or something?
Oh, he's French.
Yes? No, I'm afraid my bilingual receptionist is unconscious
at the moment, but I do speak a little French myself.
'Ow can I 'elp yew?
Je suis the manager.
Really? Excellent!
Come on, Colin...
Alright everyone, calm down please, calm down.
Mrs Fazakerley, dry those tears, I've found your daughter!
Where is she?
Well, I say found her, I have located her.
Where is she?
Presently she's somewhere underneath the English Channel,
hurtling towards France on a Eurostar.
What's she doing on that?
Playing I-spy with the driver apparently.
They've got stuck on 'T' for tunnel! Ha!
How did she get on a train?
Illegally!
I think the phrase is, she jumped the freight,
you're gonna have to go and pick her up.
Councillor Druggitt 'Employee of the Month' competition.
The prize is a weekend in Paris!
We'll take those and I'm going to sue you!
Councillor, if I were you, I'd close this place down.
All these people here...
... they're a bunch of useless... sad... incompetents!
That's gratitude for you!
Right, where were we? 'Employee of the Month' competition,
the prize this month goes to...
- He's just taken it! - It doesn't matter.
- The prize this month... - There is no prize!
Exactly! The prize this month goes to... nobody!
Because it would be invidious to single out any one
of my excellent hardworking members of staff.
Oww...
Don't be upset, Colin.
- Oww... - Don't be disappointed, Colin.
Oww!
I told you, you were never in with a chance!
It's not that, Mr Brittas.
I think I've just found Scottie the Scorpion!
TITLE MUSIC